Guy Talk 3: The Bachelor Party
by JaerWolfe
Summary: The Guys get together for Kaidan's last night of bachelorhood...


**_A/N: As always...inspired by the KAST folk with a special nod to Fort for the imagery._**

* * *

"You know, what was a good idea weeks ago is now not such a good idea." Kaidan's feet got slower as they approached the club.

"Too late now. You asked her to marry you, she said yes." Joker snorted. "You back out now and they'll be celebrating the funeral of a Hero of the Citadel instead of the marriage of two of them."

"I meant the bachelor party." Kaidan slanted a look in the pilot's direction.

"Explain to me the purpose of a bachelor party again." Garrus said. "A human man and woman get married and to celebrate the marriage they allow mostly naked members of the opposite sex to dance for them? I don't understand."

"No, no, no." Joker shook his head. "It isn't celebrating the marriage, it's mourning the death of his bachelorhood. It's like a funeral. Or a wake."

"You do not have naked people dance at human funerals." Garrus stated firmly.

"Only at the good ones." Joker answered as Kaidan rolled his eyes. "You see, once a human male gets married, that's it. He can't have fun for the rest of his life. He has to do what the woman says, when she says it."

"He does that already for Shepard. We all do that for Shepard, she's the Captain of the Normandy." Garrus pointed out.

"It's an excuse for Joker to have a bunch of naked women dance for him and say it's for me." Kaidan said crossing his arms over his chest. "A bachelor party is the groom celebrating his upcoming marriage with his friends. The one getting married usually tolerates all of the asinine tricks his forever single and addicted to porn friend comes up with. Including strippers."

"You're sure Shepard said that strippers were okay?" Garrus asked again as they entered the bar.

Joker rolled his eyes. "Yes, Garrus. Shepard said it was okay if Kaidan had strippers at his bachelor party."

The Turian looked around as if worried that the Commander would jump out of the shadows, guns blazing. "Did you get it in writing?" He persisted.

Joker's head dropping, shaking before he turned to Kaidan. "Will you tell him? Shepard said it was okay that you have strippers at your bachelor party."

Kaidan had been laughing at both of them and gave Garrus a lop-sided grin. "She was cleaning her Cain at the time…"

"I've got some calibrations I need to do." Garrus whipped about heading for the door. "I never understood this human ritual anyway."

"Garrus, get back here!" Joker gave Kaidan a disgusted look that had the latter laughing even more. He grabbed Garrus' arm and dragged him back toward the depths of the club. "She said she was okay with the strippers! So long as it wasn't a problem that they had male strippers at her bachelorette party."

Kaidan stopped laughing. "That wasn't part of the conversation I heard."

Joker waved a hand as if the matter wasn't of little concern. "It wasn't important. What was important was that she said it was okay. She even gave me a pouch of credit chits for you to spend, Kaidan."

Blinking, considering the matter, Kaidan gave a slow nod. "Okay, now I'm the one out of here."

"Kaidan!" Joker's voice was more annoyed than exasperated.

"No, Joker. Think about it." Kaidan told him, his expression utterly sincere. "This is the woman who shoved that drunk Asari through a wall because she grabbed my butt in front of her. Does that sound like the actions of someone who would be okay with me handing credit chits to a stripper? And she _was_ cleaning her Cain while we discussed this!"

Garrus began shifting his feet toward the door again.

"Fine!" Joker pulled up his omni-tool and keyed the document up. "I got it in writing. Shepard is okay with you having strippers at your bachelor party. She signed it!" He shoved the image toward both of them. "I swear you are a bunch of whipped babies."

"Oh, yeah, Joker." Garrus made a rolling motion with his head and shoulders, the equivalent of a human rolling his eyes. "You truly are the man among us. Getting it in writing really proves that. I especially like the part that says you are in no way responsible for Kaidan's actions if he happens to get drunk during the party."

"You don't get it." Kaidan shook his head. "I don't care what she signed. She's up to something."

Joker tapped his omni-tool again with an exaggerated sigh of impatience. "This is the one she signed promising she would not show up during the party either with or without weapons."

Garrus blinked. "Do you have one in there that she signed saying that no matter what she heard afterwards, true or not, about the party she wasn't allowed to kill us? Or permanently maim? Or even slightly injure? How about harsh language? Do you have any fine print about harsh language?"

"Stop it!" Joker hissed. "Don't you see? That was her master plan! She's got you so nervous she knows you won't have a good time! That's how she wins! You can't let her win, Kaidan! It's your last night of freedom! For the rest of your life, she is going to win! Tonight _you_ have to win! It's your only chance!" A slightly mad glint entered the pilot's eyes. "Oh, she thinks she's so clever. That she can spoil this party without being here, but I defy her! I defy Shepard!"

"Not so loud!" Garrus hissed gripping Joker's arms. "She'll hear you!"

"I defy her! You will defy her!" Joker's voice was lower this time. "We will have a good time at this party no matter what little devious plan she comes up with to punish us for it. We will make it a night to remember. There will be strippers and I will have footage that I can blackmail you both with for the rest of your lives!"

"I don't think he meant to say that last part out loud." Kaidan said to Garrus as Joker laughed to himself.

"Planning this party must have been more stressful than I realized." Garrus agreed with sympathy.

"He does have documentation from Shepard promising she won't kill him." Kaidan's pointed out.

Garrus gave a long sigh. "I guess if I can face an army of mercs with you at my back, I can face Shepard if she decides she doesn't like what happens at this party."

"Extranet video!" Joker suddenly shouted and then laughed to himself again.

The Turian and the Human biotic exchanged a glance and then each gently grabbed Joker's arms on either side.

"Come on, Joker. First drink's on us."

"Oh, no it isn't." A determined voice with strident command broke across the trio. "You will not turn this event into some sort of drunken orgy."

Kaidan turned, his shoulders instantly going back with almost military precision, his expression struggling to hide his dismay. "Ambassador Udina. I had no idea Joker added you to the list of invitations."

"Are you crazy?" Joker demanded, not bothering to keep his voice down as the skinny human joined them. "I sent Anderson an invitation. I wouldn't invite Udina to his own funeral!"

Sneering down at the pilot with disdain that seemed to have permanently etched his face, Udina crossed his arms over his chest. "Councilor Anderson sends his regrets. He will be unable to attend this bachelor party and has asked that I come in his place."

Joker turned on Kaidan. "What the hell did you do to piss Anderson off?"

"Councilor Anderson is concerned that this…" The Ambassador paused as if searching for a word suitably vile enough to use. "…event will turn into a media fiasco. There will be no drunken orgies that will have footage played for the blabbering gossips of the extranet. The wedding will have all the decorum a State event requires. Commander Shepard is a hero and will be married as such! There will be no scandal!"

"Damn, Shepard is good." Garrus said with complete admiration, his voice full of awe as he looked at Udina.

Kaidan laughed softly and gave the Turian a nod, "I doubt Joker got a signature on anything saying she wouldn't arrange for the Ambassador to attend."

"No!" Joker stared at them, his face paling. "That's not fair! She agreed to everything! She said strippers were okay! That Kaidan could have as many lap dances as he wanted! She gave me money for them! The only promise she made me give was that if we were too drunk, we'd get someone from the Normandy to pick us up!"

Udina, with a snatch that was surprising with its swiftness, caught the pouch of credit chits. "No lap dances! Can you imagine the outrage if the Council were to learn of that? I'll put a stop to the strippers as well. This will be an orderly event!" He left as quickly as he'd arrived, heading toward the Asari dancers near the stage.

"I hate her." Joker said shaking his head. "She's evil. You can't marry her, Kaidan, she's Satan!"

"Yeah, but she's Satan with a sniper rifle." Kaidan answered more amused at Shepard's maneuvering than angry. "Come on, Joker. Let's go to the bar and get you something wet."

"She can't do this!" Joker's anger was focusing, his eyes narrowing as he grew more determined. "I have planned this night for weeks. I handpicked…after hours of careful selection!...the Asari strippers for tonight. She won't win. This will be the party of the century! As God is my witness, Kaidan Alenko will have a lap dance!"

Garrus gave the now very concerned Kaidan Alenko in question a commiserating nod. "The sooner he gets drunk the better everything will be."

"Good, 'cause I'm starting to get scared."

"You should be scared." Joker said, his expression almost maniacal. "Shepard won't win. Not this time. Not with Udina. Not at this bachelor party." Determined, he lurched off toward the bartender.

Garrus looked at Kaidan. "Is this a normal part of bachelor parties?"

Kaidan simply laughed and shook his head. "Only the ones Joker is involved in."

"Good. That's settled." Udina rejoined them. "I have arranged for a tasteful selection of clothing to be worn by the dancers. There will be no stripping."

"Hey, Kaidan, this is the booze Shepard wants at the wedding." Joker held a tall glass of pink liquid. "Something about it matching her dress. I think it's too flavorless. What do you think?"

Kaidan blinked at the pilot. "Matches her dress?" He repeated staring at the neon pink color. "Joker…"

"Let me try that." Udina snatched the glass. "There will be no strong liquor at the wedding. I'm not having a bunch of drunken Marines ruin the procession."

"Whose wedding is it again?" Garrus asked under his breath to Kaidan who hid a laugh with a cough.

"That's…not bad." Udina gave the drink a considering look. "I had expected something more plebian from you, Lieutenant Moreau."

Joker's expression was sincere as he addressed the politician. "This is for Commander Shepard, Ambassador. We want everything to be just perfect for her."

Garrus and Kaidan exchanged glances.

"Did you roll it around on your tongue? I hear that's a good way to taste flavor." Joker said as Udina took a second drink.

"I like thissshhh…" Udina swayed once and started to fall.

Kaidan caught him and moved him to a nearby chair. "What the hell is in that drink, Joker?"

Joker's smile was renegade as the Ambassador began to sing off tune. "Payback, Kaidan. Payback was in that drink. Don't let him leave. Or pass out." The pilot moved toward the dancers on the stage.

"We're going to end up arrested, you realize this, don't you?" Garrus said in dry tones.

Kaidan laughed shaking his head. "Who would dare arrest me the night before my wedding and risk leaving Shepard standing at the altar?"

Garrus gave the drunk Udina a thoughtful look. "That includes the best man, too, right?"

"Both of them." Joker said in decisive tones, his hands full. "So let's get to work. Garrus, put the wig on him. Kaidan…"

"Will be at the bar getting us drinks. I have to work with the man." Kaidan held up his hands. "I want plausible deniability when this is over."

"Fine." Joker said with determination and broke open the makeup kit he'd borrowed from the dancers. "A man's got to do what a man's got to do. We'll start with the eyes."

* * *

**_Later…_**

"You know, Udina's not so bad, once he loosens up." Garrus' eyes were on the human in his red wig dancing on the stage between several Asari strippers.

"He's my new…" Joker paused to hiccup and then burp and raised a glass again. "My new bestest bud. Evah. I love him."

Kaidan, the same drink he'd had all night long in his hands, laughed and helped steady the pilot. "I'd be careful saying that, Joker. He might hear you."

"No. Really. He's my bud." Joker's hand sloshed a drink toward the stage. "He knew we couldn't let Sh…Shep….SheSatan win!"

"Kaidan, you have to let me be the one that tells Shepard that Joker now calls her SheSatan." Garrus pleaded.

"Are you kidding? I deny all knowledge of this night." Kaidan laughed as Udina moved to the center pole on the stage and began to swing around it, one hairy leg high in the air. "Especially if he takes off anymore of his clothes. Or tries to give me a lap dance."

"You haven't had your lap dance yet!" Joker accused, the words full of drunken affront. "Udina! Kaidan hasn't…"

"For pity's sake, don't!" Kaidan covered the pilot's mouth. "He's offered twice already! I told him Garrus took care of it!"

Joker blinked unsteady eyes. "Garrus gave you a lap dance?"

"In your dreams, human." Garrus snorted taking a drink.

"My boiiiysss!" Udina left the stage staggering toward them. "Thiishhiiss the best night of my life." Thick purple eye shadow really did nothing to bring out the dark eyes, but they didn't clash nearly so bad as the bright pink blush on his thin cheeks.

"You should thank Joker." Kaidan said with a smile. "He's the one who arranged it for you."

Garrus snickered into his glass.

Ambassador Udina used an utterly feminine brush of his hand to toss the red hair off his shoulder. "Joker issh my bromance. Forever." Soft peach lipstick seeped into the lines around his lips, created from so many years of pinched disapproval, now curved with a garish drunken smile.

"That issh beautiful, man." Joker sniffed and draped an arm over those same shoulders. "Yuuur not evil. Not like SheSatan."

"You know I really didn't want to come tonight. Shepard said she was okay with the strippers and everything, but I wasn't. Now, thanks to Joker, I have a memory that I will use every time Udina starts butting heads with Shepard and I have to be peace maker between the two." Kaidan said with admiration as the drunken duo began wandering over to the karaoke stage. Udina paused near another pole and began to swing around it, his left leg kicking high and nearly hitting Joker before he brought it down and began a bump and grind.

"Does it ever scare you?" Garrus asked shaking his head at the wobbling twosome. "The fact that Joker managed to get a human like Udina drunk enough to be okay with a makeover so he could prove to a woman not even here that he was more cunning? I mean, if Joker's capable of that, what could he do to us if he got it into his head?"

"No. Joker doesn't scare me." Kaidan shook his head, a smile on his lips. "What scares me is knowing that Udina pulled one of his 'this is an outrage!' comments on Shepard this morning during a Council meeting and pissed her off. So what happens next?" He jutted his chin toward the duo singing on the stage, arms slung about each other.

Garrus' small reptile eyes blinked. "She arranged for Anderson to give Udina an invitation claiming diplomatic necessity, sending him to prevent every last bit of fun she knows Joker has planned, also knowing that Joker won't let the night he's planned for weeks be ruined so he'll do something to neutralize Udina."

"So who'd she set up, Garrus?" Kaidan asked with a laugh dancing about his lips. "Udina or Joker?"

"Damn." Garrus said in absolute wonder. "SheSatan got them both."

Kaidan raised a glass to the Turian. "Bless her evil heart."


End file.
